When I was a child, I always dreamed of becoming a mother one day. I thought it would be made of sunshine-y days of tickles and laughter, cute pink head bands, and pretty dresses. But the moment I gave birth, reality slowly sunk in and I suddenly found myself in pain, sleep-deprived, and depressed; and that's just the beginning. Now, I am chasing a toddler who's full of energy around the house, dragging her to take a bath after deciding to shower herself with yogurt milk. The house is suddenly in a mess and I feel like a mess.
In days when I feel like jumping off a skyscraper, I search for inspirations from practically everywhere. I read blogs and articles about how great motherhood is; I looked for pictures of smiling mothers with their babies, anything that would keep the haunting thoughts of wanting to go back to single life away. But the truth is nothing I read or see will ever stop those thoughts from clawing their way out.
I DO feel guilty wishing I can go back to the past before I had a baby because by God, I do love my daughter. But I AM HUMAN and there's really no better way of embracing my present than being truthful to myself.
I don't always love motherhood. There. My life is not as beautiful as it may seem. I've had my breaking down moments, lazy days, and screaming fits (Ok. Maybe not really screaming just raising my voice). I've had days when I just want to flee and when I just stare blankly into space thinking of the dreams I want to fulfill. I may post pictures of my made-up face in this blog but I don't look like that everyday - not even a little bit. My life is far from the perfect, glamorous, hot "mommy" kind of life I always imagined it would be but you know what, it's OK because it's real.
I may not like being a mom today, or tomorrow but that doesn't make me a bad mother. It just means I am a real mother who decided to finally admit it to herself and stop feeling guilty about it. There may be some blah days but there are more great heart-warming/melting days in my life as a mom. Being a mother is probably the hardest, most difficult task I have ever done in my life but the greatest truth is, it is also the greatest joy I have ever known.
How do you like motherhood today?
Feeling blah? Well honey, you're not alone.
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